I can’t believe we’re already into March! This year is flying by…though I’ve noticed that life seems to go by faster as you get older…Anyway, this winter has been so funky weather-wise. My spring cleaning has started early since it’s hitting the 70s and I’m hoping to air out the house before the pollen invades everything and tries to kill me. The house isn’t the only thing that’s getting refreshed. There’s an aspect of my life that is getting worked on as well.
Let’s see, where did it all begin…I guess it began with bad relationships. Sadly, there have been some relationships where they came pretty close to crashing and burning due to a lot of misunderstandings and not taking the time to truly understand where the other person was coming from. Thankfully, they’re all on civil terms at this point but not altogether done and in the past. During the whole ordeal, I was constantly burdened by guilt like everything was my fault and that any hurt that I was feeling was not right to feel. But, it hurt and I felt like I was being thrown under the bus. Needless to say, this was very discouraging and depressing (hopefully I haven’t depressed you!). I eventually came to the point where I was losing sight of what made it such a big deal in the first place (it was feeling ridiculous how long it was getting dragged out) and I was getting quite exhausted from it all. The difficult part was not knowing anymore what was right and, in a way, I felt like I was groveling to fix it all even though I felt like I had a right to feel hurt. My habit is to suck it up and say sorry just to make it all go away even though there is fault on both sides. What I didn’t realize was that doing so was sucking me down a horrid hole. I lost confidence and I didn’t know what to do anymore. So, the hubs and I decided to take action! It began with doing all that I could do to repair the relationships and being at peace with knowing that I had done that. My hubby reminded me of the verse in Romans, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (12:18, ESV). (Have I mentioned that I love my husband and how he pushes me to be a better person and change the bad habits I’ve developed?)
The second part, the moving on, was the hardest part for me. I still kind of want to just say sorry until it all goes away but I know that doing so won’t bring about true closure. Learning to be at peace has brought about a different kind of confidence. For once, I’m standing up for myself. Not in a “I am who I am and if you don’t like it tough luck” kind of way but rather a “I know and God knows I’ve done all I can so I can say I have a clear conscience” kind of way. Before, I would push aside my feelings and say whatever the other person would want to hear which seemed like closure to them but not to me. Whatever the issue was, it would irritate me and fester like a pebble in a shoe when you’re walking. You kick your foot around hoping the pebble will move so you don’t have to take the time to untie your shoe, hop on one foot (and if you’re me, fall over in the process) while you shake the pebble out, then put your shoe back on and lace it back up, when it would’ve better (and would’ve saved you from walking funny and being annoyed by the little nuisance!) to take the time to get rid of the pebble.
But now, I feel happy and free! Just kidding. Free? Yes. Happy? Not entirely. Doing the right thing doesn’t always mean immediate happiness. Happiness and peace are not the same thing. I’m still frustrated over what happened. Still very hurt. Frustrated that it hasn’t been put in the past and left there. But, I am at peace because I know I’ve done everything I can do to make things right and it’s a wonderful feeling!
So I may not be entirely happy but at the same time I am happy. I’ve gained a good kind of confidence which is very freeing in a way I’ve never experienced. Spring cleaning can be such a lengthy and exhausting process but so rewarding in the end. 🙂